dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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