That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
