I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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