u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
