i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize