I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We left the knife in your bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
