Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
love makes seman taste better
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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