And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
