i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
