I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
