a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
