I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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