A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
