I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There are leaves in my underwear?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
