I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
