every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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