Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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