he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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