dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize