Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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