Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
