Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
