Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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