Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's shark week go big or go home
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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