consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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