if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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