so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
