Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize