I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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