wrigley field is MILF paradise
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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