My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
