it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
