Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
