i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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