weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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