It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
