just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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