I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
