meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
