Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
