Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
