you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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