bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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