saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize