Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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