theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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