I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just found puke in my bra..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
