Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
