I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize