Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
