If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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