Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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