Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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