If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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