Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
