and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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