Have you finally orgasmed yet?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
