I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
