I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
