I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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