She's the barista slut.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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