Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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