Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
